7 myths of marriage Don't Let Fiction Trip You Up by Joan Rubin-Deutsch, LICSW October/November 1996 Issue

One week after our wedding, my husband and I had our first big, heated argument. We were both devastated-the idea that we wouldn't agree on everything was shocking. Eighteen years later, I'm happy to say that we've learned to negotiate our differences. In my work as a psychotherapist, I see many newlyweds who are frustrated and disappointed. They often share common misconceptions about marriage.

What happens to the romance, the constant togetherness? It won't go away, but it may diminish in intensity. One or both partners may pull back or become more demanding after the honeymoon, and this can be confusing and hurtful. But it's also pretty normal, says Barry Dym, Ph.D., author of Couples(HarperCollins,1992). "Relationships have three distinct stages: expansion and promise; contractions and betrayal; and resolution and partnership," he says. Time apart, as well as together, allows each of you to express your individuality yet grow as a couple.

For many women, the ability to reconnect physically after an argument depends on if and how things are resolved. They often need time to process their feelings about what happened, and why. For many men, sex is the way to reconcile. A frank discussion and agreement-when things are calm-about how physical intimacy will be resumed after a fight will help you avoid additional conflict.

Suzy and Richard came to me six months into their marriage. She told him she could no longer tolerate the way he distanced himself from her, and threatened to leave. He had feared this all along-that she would leave him just like his first wife had. Because of his terror of being hurt again, he was putting up walls. Unresolved issues from past relationships do carry into the present. Many couples let things go, hoping that problems will disappear. Pay attention to areas of concern as they arise, and talk about them.

If you expect that you will always know and meet your partner's needs, you're setting yourself up for failure. And dwelling on how you think things should be will only bring you disappointment. Learn to express your needs, and never assume anything-ask.

You will not always see things the same way. Try to view differences as opportunities for creative compromises and resolutions, rather than "I win, you lose" scenarios. It's healthy to have individual beliefs and feelings. The way each of you communicates may be different, too. You may get discouraged if your husband is unable to talk about problems or express feelings. According to Celia J. Falicow, Ph.D., a San Diego psychologist specializing in marriage and family therapy, "Most women think of closeness as the ability to express feelings, while men have been socialized to be action-oriented."

No one can be the perfect partner. Because we're all human, the people with whom we share our lives are bound to fail us some of the time. You will disappoint each other, you will say and do the wrong thing sometimes, and you will fall of the pedestals you may have placed each other on.

The most common phrase I hear in my work is "He (or she) doesn't appreciate me." Newlyweds spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to please each other, and often feel unappreciated. Sandra and Dan had been married for 18 months. They each felt that no matter what they did, it was never enough. I suggested they start every day by acknowledging one thing they appreciated about the other. Looking forward to what the other would say was fun, and hearing the appreciation made them both feel better.